with love, that is exactly what I'm saying
scripts for adulting
Things have been heavy and weird - for ohhh, at least the last six months. Things are going to get worse as we lead up to the election. I was listening to Pantsuit Politics this morning on my walk (as I do), and Beth was talking about the criticism that the show receives because some listeners feel like they no longer discuss things from both sides. This is largely a criticism of Beth because she is the person with the more conservative values. In response to these criticisms, Beth said the following:
Well, it sounds like you're just saying I should go somewhere else. With love, I am. If what you want is to hear what the Wall Street Journal did this morning, which is kind of, we don't like Trump's packaging, but we like what's inside it. You're not going to hear that for me because I do not like what's inside it.
I do not think that the Democrats and the media are so bad that what Trump is delivering to America is acceptable. And I do not believe that there is anything inside of the packaging of Trump that is worth everything that we are living through right now. I don't believe that.
I have been in many conversations recently (and honestly, over the last four+ years) in which I’ve been told that I’m unfairly harsh to the other side, so I appreciated Beth’s response because she said succinctly what I’ve been feeling and thinking - but have trouble getting out clearly and concisely in the heat of the moment.
This led me to thinking about other “scripts” that make my life easier. Once we had kids that were talking and having problems of their own, I noticed how, after a conflict, we would help give them words to demonstrate how they could handle things better the next time. I was a little jealous to be honest - I wanted someone to give me some easy scripts to help me better handle difficult conversations, setting boundaries, expressing myself clearly, being a better friend/human. So I started collecting these “adulting scripts,” which is how I labeled the section in my journal. Here are a few of my favorites:
Tell Me More.
This idea of scripts is basically the subject of Kelly Corrigan’s beautifully written manual on adulting, Tell Me More: Stories About the 12 Hardest Things I’m Learning To Say, so you should probably just go pick up that book if you haven’t already instead of reading the rest of this. I tend to want to help - and think that I know best - in situations that really call for me just to listen. This phrase, “tell me more” has not only helped me put the brakes on that impulse to jump in with a solution, but it has made me a better listener (human) and has led to some really great conversations that I would have missed out on otherwise.
Help me understand what you’re thinking.
When I first wrote this one down, I used it mostly for the kids, but I find it reeeally helpful in heated discussions with other adults. It helps me break from that fight-flight-freeze response when I’m in conflict with someone else, and it puts the ball back in the other person’s court to clarify what they’re saying (especially helpful if they’re saying something really prejudiced, insulting, or just plain wrong).
I have plans.
An old friend used to unapologetically say “I have plans, and my plans are to have no plans” when we were trying to get a date on the books. At first, I was annoyed because I was like, “wait, you can do that?!” I spent too much of the first 35ish years of my life saying yes to just about everything, so now I challenge myself, when I’m asked to do something that I either don’t want to do or know that I don’t have capacity for that week, to simply say, “I have plans” with no additional commentary. Even after lots of practice with this, I still usually feel like I have to specify what those plans are, but I’m working on it.
Sterleys don’t do/say that.
We started using this one when the kids were little. Jasper pushed a kid at the playground, and instead of berating him personally, we tied it back to our family values, saying, “Sterleys don’t push when we’re angry. That is not who you are.” After several years of using this one on the kids, I’ve started using it on myself too (admittedly, a little backwards of how this should have worked!). When I catch myself reacting in a way that isn’t in alignment with my values, I try to pause and remind myself that my reactivity is not who I am and that I want to show up in a way that is in alignment with my values. This is helpful for boundary setting/keeping too, but it also requires that you get clear about your personal and family values.
The story I’m telling myself is…
This is the phrase that has probably helped my marriage more than any other. It came from Brené Brown’s Rising Strong (shorter explanation behind the phrase here if you haven’t read the book). I use it when Grant and I are having a disagreement - sometimes I say it to myself and sometimes I say it outloud to him. It’s awkward at first, but he does it too - and after several years of seeing how well it works, we’re over the awkward. It helps the other person to see what’s going on in your head and remind them that you’re trying to get on the same page. After years of practice, it is crazy to me how many times the stories we’re telling ourselves in the midst of an argument are totally different from each other, and this simple phrase helps us to bridge that gap and remember that we’re on the same team.
“I” statements and talking to myself as a witness
This one isn’t so much a script as Therapy 101, but I find it enormously helpful and have noticed the benefits already when I model it in front of the kids. Basically, when you’re upset about something, you tell the other person how you’re feeling using “I statements” instead of accusatory blaming statements that typically start with “you always/never…” I use this to witness to what is going on in my head when I’m frustrated/anxious/sad/fill-in-the-blank. I use it to find the pause and notice. In my head this looks like this:
Me to myself: What are you feeling?
Me: I observe myself feeling really pissed off.
Me to myself: Where are you feeling it?
Me: I can feel it in how my shoulders are coming up to my ears and how my whole body is tense.
Me to myself: I can totally see why you’re so pissed. What are some things you can do with it?
Me: A walk would be good, but I don’t have time right now. Maybe some deep breaths in the bathroom.
Me to myself: Good idea. It’s totally natural for you to be upset about this. Once you’re a bit more grounded, you could dig into what led to this if you want.
It might sound silly, and after writing it down, it looks silly too. Pema Chodron says “you are the blue sky. Everything else — it’s just the weather.” This practice helps me see myself for who I am - and the weather for what it is.
That is A way to see it.
Grant came up with this one to help me at Thanksgiving after the 2016 election, but now we use it ALL the time. In situations where I just don’t have the energy or desire (or it is just plain inappropriate) to engage with someone saying things I wholeheartedly disagree with, I use this phrase with an emphasis on the “a” so that the hearer gets that I don’t see it that way. It’s a way to be true to myself while also not ruining Thanksgiving (not saying that I haven’t ruined a few holidays in my day, however).
I appreciate you sharing your side of the story.
This is another one that can diffuse those heated conversations. Especially in conversations around politics over the last few years, it seems like I’m often on a different planet from the person who I’m speaking to. We get to a place where I’m not going to convince them to see things differently - and since one of my values as a human is that I think growth and evolution are good things, I’m not interested in going back to being less inclusive and openhearted. When we get to a stalemate, I use a phrase like this to say something true while also staying in alignment with my values. We also use this with the kids a lot to validate where they’re coming from even if we think how they handled it was wrong.
Ok, your turn, what scripts do you use that make life a little bit easier? Share so I can steal some of yours!
Here’s what I thought was worth sharing this week:
For over 95 percent of human history, people enjoyed more leisure time than we do today. Hunter-gatherers subsisted on 15-hour work weeks. This article summarizes a new book coming out this month that I’m excited to get my hands on about the evolution of work. #covid19season has been eye-opening in so many ways, but one thing I’ve really been thinking about is how much we pedastalize (that is a word I made up that means “to put on a pedastal”) certain types of work and behavior over others - and act like that is just the way things have always been, when that in fact is not the case. The 40-hour work week is a very recent phenomenon in human history and maybe now is a good time to think about ways we could reimagine work.
On dealing with uncertainty. “In my experience, there are two ways to solve the “problem” of the unknown: by decreasing the amount of perceived risk or by increasing our tolerance for uncertainty. Most of us focus almost exclusively on the former. Many philosophers think this is a mistake.” Click through for some practical ideas to build our tolerance for uncertainty muscles.
I spent all weekend reading and watching stuff about Chadwick Boseman. This was my favorite. It’s just so sad, especially for Black people who are already carrying so much grief this year.
Anne Helen Peterson’s newsletter has a “just trust me” link at the end every week. If I had thought of it first, I would tell you to just trust me and read this.
Living Seasonally Picture of the Week
Finally (after two years of trying to figure out what to do) finished the ceiling on our beloved screened-in porch thanks to my dad’s help and expertise!
Cheers to the last weekend of the summer!
Sara
I feel like I've betrayed you by not directing you to Kelly Corrigan's book before now. Isn't it AMAZING?? Love you and miss you, friend.