my ideal day

according to them

I like to reflect back on the season that has passed at each equinox/solstice, so I dug out some journal questions from this book that I love (but that I honestly have yet to make it through despite numerous attempts). One of the questions was to imagine your ideal day. This is a frequently-used self-reflection question. Hell, I’ve used it in workshops before myself. It can be helpful to visualize how you would actually want to fill your day if it was solely up to you.

So I wrote out my ideal day. It looked something like this:

7:15am: Wake up (if I could wake up at 7:15 everyday, I would be a much better human, for what it’s worth)

7:15-7:30: Morning movement (my mobility routine that I’ve mostly stuck to for two-ish years, which is practically an eternity for me)

7:30-8: Sit (what I call my mindfulness practice to avoid expectations around it)

8-8:30: Coffee (that Grant had to at some point get up and make for me) and journaling/morning pages

8:30-9:30: Workout with Grant (at our home gym that is in the remodeled barn in the back but that doesn’t yet actually exist)

9:30-10: Sauna with Grant and cold shower

10-12: Write (in my she shed at the back of our property that also does not yet exist)

12-1: Lunch from the garden with Grant and the kids who honestly just now appeared in this ideal day of mine somehow (whoopsies)

1-3: Hike with Grant and the kids and Wendell

3-4: Read a book outside by myself or work in the garden, depending on the season

4-5: Walk to Lookout Brewing, our favorite craft brewery in Black Mountain. If this is actually my ideal day, I can somehow teleport from my house to my other favorite place whenever I want, right?

5-7: Come home, make dinner. Eat as a family

7-8: Play a family game or watch a movie

8-9:30: Hang out with Grant on the porch or maybe have some friends over for dessert and drinks

9:30-10: Sit again + bedtime routine

10-10:30: Read

10:30: Go to sleep

I’m sure you can hear my snark through the screen. It’s not that I think this exercise is dumb. It’s that when I looked back at it, I noticed 1) how unrealistic it was for this stage of life (or any?) 2) nothing is on there that would actually support me financially, let alone my family, unless I magically wake up tomorrow getting paid to do self-care and write books 3) how self-centered my ideal day is (yikes) 4) how many things are missing that I enjoy and/or are in my normal everyday and 5) how many things that “they” tell us we should do everyday that were on it.

I was venting to some friends a few weeks ago, and I said that if we did all of the stuff “they” tell us we should do to be the best humans we can be, we would not actually do anything but those things until around 2 in the afternoon. Self-care is its own gigantic conversation, but regardless of your thoughts about self-care, it has become an industry of its own. It tells us that, in order to care for ourselves, we need to eat intuitively (so long as our intuition craves kale instead of potato chips), have a movement practice, have a mindfulness practice, have a skincare regime, drink enough water, and then, if you go down the “lifehacking” rabbit hole, a whole bunch of other stuff would be added to the already impossibly long list. It is exhausting to put it mildly.

Of course, social media makes this worse. Even if you’re sharing tons of your life on social media, it’s still only the highlight reel and/or curated for a purpose. I’ll remember to share what I’m making for dinner when I have the time, and when the food looks good. But I don’t usually share the footage of those nights when the kids are complaining that we’re having leftover soup for the third night in a row or when I overslept for the umpteenth time.

In this sifting, in-between season, I’m really trying to drill down to what I actually want for my life versus what culture/parents/religion/the bikini industrial complex tells me that I should want. Here’s the hard part for me: some of that stuff actually does make me a better human. My sitting practice, moving, and writing every day actually work for me, even when I (often) do them begrudgingly.

A few years ago, I was telling my therapist that I was annoyed with myself for not sticking to something. I can’t remember what it was now, but it was something like moving more or eating in a “healthier” (I put that in quotes because that definition changes depending on who you’re asking) way consistently - something that is a pretty universally-agreed upon good idea. She listened to my rant for several minutes and said, “what if you just didn’t worry about it for awhile?” I was like, “umm, but it is GOOD FOR ME! I can’t just not do it for awhile.” She smiled and gave me a look that said “bless her little heart” and said, gently, “oh yes, you could.”

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought of her sitting on her couch, just softly saying, “oh yes, you could.”

This seems silly even writing this out - of course I can do what I want! - but, based on conversations with girlfriends (shockingly, I rarely have this conversation with my husband or other men, but I have it all the time with the women in my life), we’re walking around with this heavy load of expectations that has become so ever-present that I think we often don’t even notice how heavy it’s gotten.

So this week, I’m redoing my ideal day list with only things that I want to do, places I want to go, people I want to be with. No shoulding. No have tos. No things-that-are-good-for-me-but-not-actually-all-that-pleasureable. Then maybe I can compare my list above to my new sticking-it-to-the-man list, and see where there’s any overlap. Care to join me?

Rants and raves

👍 The full worm moon and “compost season,” as I’ve named it.

👍 I finished this on audio, and although he possibly could have used a better editor, it was surprisingly good and insightful.

👎 The Derek Chauvin trial so far is just so heartbreaking. Predictable, but still heartbreaking. I’ve been watching along when I can and checking out Yamiche Alcindor’s commentary.

Stuff worth sharing this week

• This Mark Manson newsletter about “living below the API” really made me think.

• Three Substack subscriptions that I read every week if you haven’t subscribed yet:

  • Burnt Toast has already blown my mind on diet culture and how we talk to our kids about food numerous times in the week since I found her.

  • An Irritable Métis. I have realized that I need a little push to feel my feelings (#enneagram7problems) and poets help. Chris’ writing makes me feel big feelings, rethink assumptions, and feel a little less alone.

  • the examined family. I’ve been reading and loving Courtney’s newsletter for as long as it’s been around. She’s always making me think about things in a new - usually gentler, more empathetic - way.

• This made me “ohhhh” outloud:

  the_simple_way

  

  A post shared by @the_simple_way

Seasonal view of the week

It’s #springbreakseason, and we’re headed to our home away from home: Black Mountain, North Carolina.

Cheers to finding your ideal day!

Sara

P.S. Happy Easter to those that celebrate!