you're already doing it

lessons from parenting

I really like Allison Gopnik’s framework about gardener versus carpenter parenting, so I listened to her discuss an older book of hers on consciousness on the Ezra Klein Podcast.

The premise of their conversation is that children have a different quality of consciousness than adults. They’re better wired for learning whereas, as we get older, our evolutionary propensity for efficiency makes it harder for us to retain the awe and curiosity of childhood, which is an integral part of learning new things.

[Side note: perhaps this is why Jesus says to be like the little children].

Toward the end of the conversation, Ezra asks Gopnik what adults should do with this information to help us be better parents, aunts, uncles, adults in children’s lives.

Gopnik responds:

Something that’s important is that the very mundane investment that we make as caregivers, keeping the kids alive, figuring out what it is that they want or need at any moment, those things that are often very time consuming and require a lot of work, it’s that context of being secure and having resources and not having to worry about the immediate circumstances that you’re in. That context that caregivers provide, that’s absolutely crucial. It’s absolutely essential for that broad-based learning and understanding to happen. So just by doing — just by being a caregiver, just by caring, what you’re doing is providing the context in which this kind of exploration can take place.

Basically, her response to Ezra asking how we can be better parents is to that, so long as your kiddo has a roof over her head, food to eat, and feels loved and safe, you’re already doing the best thing you can do for the development of the child. Now, of course, this begs the question societally of how we can make the basics of shelter, food, and care and security a baseline for all of our children.

And it also reminds us that we don’t have to worry about so much of the crap sold to us about what it means to be a good caregiver. Most of you reading this newsletter that are responsible for caring for other people are providing them with the basics that Gopnik says are most important - and I like how she says that these so-called basics are “very time consuming and require a lot of work.” I kinda mentally fist-bumped her on my walk when she said that. The basics are hard - no wonder we’re tired!

I don’t think this is true of just adults and children. It applies to all of our relationships: relationships of any variety are “very time consuming and require a lot of work” and the deeper the relationship, the more it requires. This is hard and holy work, but, as we know, our relationships are what make a life - our relationships with one another, with ourselves, and with the natural world. It is without a doubt, the work of our lives. It might be simple, but it is not easy. Instead of shoulding ourselves about what we’re not doing, let’s take the Gopnik approach and remind ourselves that, in so many cases, we’re already doing it.

The best part is that when we act out of this place of compassion, confidence, and abundance, we find that we have more capacity for compassion, confidence, and abundance. But when we act out of a place of self-criticism, judgement, and scarcity, we’re just more likely to spread that around instead.

Rants and raves

👍 I had maybe my best birthday yet this week. I walked 40 km with friends and family, and then Grant organized a truly epic surprise that evening. Then he structured my birthday gifts around four themes, giving me perfect gifts for each, capped off with a letter from Wendell Berry himself (my favorite writer). Because I think the best gifts are the ones that make the recipient feel known, this birthday was so special, and I’m so grateful for Grant, my parents, my sister, and the friends that made it so wonderful.

👍 Taking your birthday off work. Everybody should get a day off for their birthday if you ask me. That would be part of my platform if I ever ran for president.

👍 One of the gifts Grant gave me was a tulip tree leaf necklace from this Etsy shop because it’s the state tree of Indiana. And now I am obsessed and want lots of other things from this shop whose tagline is “nature made wearable.”

👎 I’m still waiting on my spring garden inspiration. Our garden is truly a disaster because I was so tired at the end of the season last year that I didn’t close it down well, and now this damp spring has created a weed sanctuary. Yikes.

Stuff worth sharing this week

• As much as I liked that Adam Grant’s languishing piece that’s been everywhere over the last few weeks, this was SO much better (not surprising at all that I think so with all of the gardening references):

  It seems to me that the reason that so many of us feel like we’re languishing is that we are trying to flourish in terrible conditions. It is spring outside — or the “unlocking” season — but it is still “Winter in America,” and, as any gardener knows, if you try to wake a plant out of dormancy too soon, it will wither, and maybe die.

  For example: take the mountain laurels in our backyard. One of them died from the terrible ice storm. The others have put out leaves, but not blossoms. They’ve sensed that this year is not the year to create anything new. They’re waiting for better conditions.

• Maeve had a rough day yesterday. She got home and went straight to her room and said she didn’t want to talk about it. The rest of us went about our business, but later she came out with her perler beads and made something. I asked her if she wanted to talk about it after she was finished, and she did. After telling me what happened, she said, “it doesn’t seem that frustrating now…I just needed to make something to feel better and breathe easier.” It reminded me of this good advice: “just make something, anything,” but Maeve proved it’s a good rule of life regardless of whether or not you do anything with what you create. Having a bad day? Just make something, anything. Creating is good medicine.

Seasonal pic of the week

Post-40 kilometers and really happy to be home with my favorites:

Cheers to reminding yourself that you’re already doing it in the week ahead!

Sara